If you’ve been burned by unscrupulous individuals or organizations, but just don’t have the time or vocabulary to properly address their subordinates in a complaint letter, Scott Pakin has the answer in Scott Pakin’s Automatic Complaint Letter Generator. Take, for example, this complaint letter generated in less than 10 seconds about me, Robert C. Bowman III
My complaint about Mr. Robert C Bowman III
As a citizen of this country, which I believe in and which I have seen Mr. Robert C Bowman III tear apart, I must take a strong position on Robert’s prank phone calls, which, after all, develop a credible pretext to forcibly silence Robert’s opponents. The following paragraphs are intended as an initial, open-ended sketch of how bad the current situation is. He is a human leech dedicated to sucking the life out of our doomed corpses. How much more illumination does that fact need before Robert can grasp it? Assuming the answer is “a substantial amount”, let me point out that Robert hates people who have huge supplies of the things he lacks. What he lacks the most is common sense, which underlies my point that Robert believes that he can change his covinous ways. That’s just wrong. He further believes that individual worth is defined by race, ethnicity, religion, or national origin. Wrong again!
The implications of doctrinaire simplism may seem theoretical but they have concrete meaning for thousands of people. Robert occasionally shows what appears to be warmth, joy, love, or compassion. You should realize, however, that these positive expressions are more feigned than experienced and invariably serve an ulterior motive, such as to manipulate everything and everybody. Daily, the truth is being impressed upon us that his dream is for us to lay down our freedom at our feet and say to him, “Make us your slaves, but feed us”. Well, that’s getting away from my main topic, which is that I am sick of our illustrious “leaders” treading on eggshells so as not to upset Robert. Here’s what I have to say to them: Robert’s accomplices are unified under a common goal. That goal is to adopt approaches that have not been tested to try to solve problems that have not been well-defined.
Common-sense understanding of human nature tells us that for Robert’s crafty plans to succeed, he needs to dumb down our society. An uninformed populace is easier to control and manipulate than an educated populace. In the immediate years ahead, schoolchildren will stop being required to learn the meanings of words like “hyperphosphorescence” and “hydrometallurgically”. They will be incapable of comprehending that people used to think I was exaggerating whenever I said that as soon as Robert’s operatives make mawkish, abominable talebearers out to be something they’re not, their crusades will cease to educate the public on a range of issues and instead will “solve” all our problems by talking them to death. After seeing Robert put a clog on all attempts to limit his power these same people now realize that I wasn’t exaggerating at all. In fact, they even realize that if Robert doesn’t like it here, then perhaps he should go elsewhere. To end this letter, I would like to make a bet with Mr. Robert C Bowman III. I will gladly give him a day’s salary if he can prove that the most valuable skill one can have is to be able to lie convincingly, as he insists. If Robert is unable to prove that, then his end of the bargain is to step aside while I explain a few facets of this confusing world around us. So, do we have a bet, Robert?