Craigslist Missed Connections

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HER LUCKY DAY! (Although I haven’t heard back)

Santa Monica Von’s parking lot, you’re gorgeous – w4m – 22 (Broadway and Lincoln Vons)

Alright. I normally wouldn’t do this, haha, I don’t see a reason to. But, you are worth it, I think.

Vons at approx. 11:45am-ish. Saturday late morning. I was checking out your bentley (or maybe it was a friends, either way I don’t care. ) I took my eyes off the bentley only to put my eyes on you and then realized you were walking to my previous eye ogglement – the bentley. What a perfect combination, gorgeous man, gorgeous car. Maybe a matching personality? I would like to find out. After you put your purchase in your vehicle you went back into the store after I entered, I’m hoping b/c you wanted to make a connection. I ended up being behind you at check-out. I should have said something. You are most likely not the type to check these out, but hey I’m not either. We’ll see.

Get at me :)

So I know it’s you.  What kind of bentley were you driving (color and model)?

I’m the Gentleman from the Von’s Parking Lot!

Hi There!

I was just having my assistant read the craigslist missed connections aloud to me, when your ad caught my attention. I believe I am the man you’re looking for. I can assure you that my personality indeed matches both my stunning good looks and my fleet of expensive automobiles. I’m incredibly kind! My friends say I have a gigantic heart because I’m always talking about how much I’d like to give to those African or Mexican kids or whatever and my doctors say I have a gigantic heart because I do cocaine most nights until I finally pass out at 10am in the middle of taking a dump. If the drug use thing kind of bums you out then please, focus on why my heart is big metaphorically.

Socially, I sort of shine much like a flashlight shines, but more like a flashlight that has human arms and legs and fantastic hair. Now picture the flashlight cruising around in his Bentley and thinking about doing something nice like giving blood, but he can’t because he’s too busy so maybe next time. That’s me!

Now, it is actually quite common for a man of my wealth to own several Bentleys of various colors. That being said, I hope you won’t hold it against me that I am unable to provide you with the color model I was driving about town in on the day in question. I simply cannot remember. Ordinarily, my chauffeur drives me around and then I have him killed because I’m so wealthy. Driving myself around is something that I do strictly when I am bored and wanting to get a taste of poverty.

I’d love to take you out soon to hear more about what you admire about me. Just to be funny, instead of going someplace expensive, we should go someplace moderately priced where we can dine and dash after the waitstaff “pretends convincingly” that my credit card gets declined. Oh yeah, my Bentleys are all in the shop for a while so I might be driving this silver, 1999 Ford Escort just for laughs – a way, if you will, to sort of put myself in the mind of a commoner. I guess I sometimes get kind of a rush out of doing slummy things like handling one dollar bills without my velvet gloves or not senselessly having the barista killed after ordering a coffee from Starbucks.

That’s basically it. I’m looking forward to hearing back from you.

-Tom

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