Now You Can Master the Art of Dating — The David Wain Way!

davidwainpencil_jessicamiller_2_052009As a director, comedian, and oversexed Lothario, David Wain has met and romanced many a Hollywood starlet. Perhaps that’s why his show “Wainy Days — in which he plays against type as a bumbling loser at love — is so psychologically complex (and really funny). With the fourth season currently being rolled out on My Damn Channel, we asked David to teach us how to find that special lady.

How to Approach Them
One good idea — if you see a hot woman on the street, whip out your iPod, walk by her, and say, “Sorry I can’t hear what you’re saying, I’m listening to this podcast about how to manage having an over-sized penis.” She’ll probably say something like, “Wow! Hey, want to grab a cup of coffee?” The best move here is to play hard-to-get. Say something like, “Sure — but later.” Now you’ve got her. Just remember to set a specific time and place or you may never see that chick again.


Be Yourself
Always be yourself — remember no one can be more like you than you. The only exceptions are if you’re in some way not cool, or if you’re not a celebrity. In these extreme situations, it’s best to pretend you’re a relative of a cool celebrity (e.g. John “Cougar” Mellencamp).

Get a Phone Number
I keep a set of cards in my wallet with my phone number (212-788-6879) and other pertinent info (hair color, hobbies, bone density). The fact that these cards have been pre-printed is an instant turn-on for women. I did mine at Kinko’s and, including a (free) paper bag to carry the cards, the whole deal cost me about $30. The goal here, ultimately, is to get HER number. Here are a few sample lines that will move you in the right direction, without overtly asking for the phone number:

— “What’s your number, babe?”
— “Say if you were gonna call someone, from what number would you be calling from?”
— “Three questions: How can you be so damn cute, what time zone is Denver, and what’s your phone number?”

The First Date
Once you’ve got the first date, it’s important to do everything right. My first step is to take a shower EVEN IF I’ve already showered that week. Make sure to powder up too, because heightened sex pheromones can make you clammy. It’s important to pick a good place to meet that is casual yet impressive. Think: Where would Bill Cosby go?

Bathroom Breaks
If it’s a dinner date, avoid any place that serves dairy or vegetables because these foods can be hard to digest, causing embarrassing situations where you have to make a crap, but you have to try to do it fast enough so it seems like you just peed. A good technique: Give the woman an engrossing magazine before you go to the bathroom. She’ll be so involved in the articles and features she won’t realize you just sat on the toilet for 10 minutes waiting for poo to come out. I find the best magazines for this are Mother Jones, Newsweek and Parenting: The Toddler Years.

If You’re Nervous
It’s completely natural to be nervous on a first date with a nice lady like Natalie (or whoever you might be with). Just look at her while she’s talking and picture her as an ugly ogre with huge warts coming out of open wounds all over her misshapen face. You’ll now feel like the more attractive one between the two of you and should start to be more relaxed.

How to Know If She’s “The One”
If you can say yes to more than half of the below questions, then she’s the one for you:

— Do you share the same values?
— Do you sleep the same hours?
— Is she hungry for sex, even after lunch?
— Does she set up a pasta and ice cream sundae bar at the house when you come home from work?
— Does she wear tube tops?
— Does she have zero body fat?
— Does she make you feel like John “Cougar” Mellencamp (including praising your work on FarmAid)?

If She’s Not “The One”
There are no easy ways to end a relationship. But all women appreciate honesty and respect. For example, say you’ve gone out with someone for six months, and now that you’ve gotten a taste of who she is, you’ve decided she’s not “The One.” Just stop calling her. When she calls you, don’t answer. If she gets you on the phone by calling from a different (or blocked) number, say “Oh, hey baby, been meaning to call you, but I’m on the other line, I’ll give you a shout in a few.” Then don’t call her back. She should get the message very soon.

If she doesn’t, you can make it clearer by identifying a close friend of hers and screwing the friend on the girl’s bed at a time when you know she’ll be coming home from work. This may hurt her feelings (or the friend’s) but it’s worth it because you’ve communicated your intentions.

Summing It Up
Remember, meeting the perfect woman is not easy, but if you stay with it, the rewards are endless. Some women are excellent Scrabble players, in rare cases scoring nearly as high as their male counterparts. Plus, if you’re a man, and you’re not gay, there’s no better partner for sex than a woman. Take these tips and give them a try, I know you’ll do great! Worst case? It doesn’t work. Then there’s always whores, Internet porn and just being alone — all of which are excellent alternatives, each with their own pros and cons. Good luck!

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