These, and nine more at oddee.com, but read at your own risk, some of them are tradgic.
It’s a pretty long read, but worth it.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.
——–
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen
——–
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.
Adam Lambert: Now get me the raccoon.
Production Assistant: Um, there’s a lot of stuff here. I’m not sure we have room for the raccoon.
AL: What do you mean no room for the raccoon? This photograph is about liberation. From the
shackles of society! How can you say that without a raccoon?
PA: Well, you’ve got the chains. And the bracelets and the tie and butterfly and the bed and the belt
and the unbuttoned shirt and the…Okay, I’ll get the rac- Ow! He bit me. The little fucker bit me!
AL: Of course he bit you, Olivier, he’s a liberated raccoon. What else would you expect from a
liberated raccoon, a kiss on the ass?
PA: Um. It’s kind of bleeding. Should I…
AL: Should you bring me the raccoon? Yes. Bring me the raccoon.
PA: **Sigh** Where do you want it?
AL: **Pointing to his cock.**
Amazon.com has some pretty interesting things for sale; one of which happens to be Uranium Ore. That’s right, for the price you would have paid for a decent lunch, you could be the owner of your own Uranium Ore. Below is a hilarious review of this product, too, because testimonials help convince you whether or not to purchase!
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By Kyle J. Von Bose
I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska. At first I wasn’t sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems. Well, almost no problems.
Unfortuantly my mom opened my mail, because she does not respect people’s privacy. She was pretty upset to see Uranium Ore. After a long argument and me running away from home again, she finaly stopped being such an idiot and I was able to get back to work.
The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker.
