Ah, the brilliance of Craigslist. This nice dude was just looking for a little no-strings-attached love. Enjoy!
I mean wash my hair, not drink the martini… I can do that myself…
So after heading outside and kicking some homeless men so I could steal their change cups for cash, I popped into a Starbucks and ordered a non-fat soy chai latte, then had the barista stir it with her tongue. You didn’t know Starbucks did that? Well you’ve probably never asked. Try it next time.
I sat down and fired up my laptop, first browsing a couple porn sites to see if my sister was getting any work… then opened up Craigslist and started to write.
So by this point of my profile, you probably want to shoot me in the kneecap with a small girly handgun… Let me give you some more ammunition…
* While surfing in Africa last winter, I lied to my friend about which beaches had shark sightings then went to the worst one. I smeared his board with fish guts. Once he was attacked, I pulled him from the water… I’m a goddamn hero!
* I’ve never stolen a car without returning it with a full tank of gas, two tickets to a hockey game, and a gently used handgun in the trunk. Juuuuuust kidding…. who can afford hockey tickets these days? Come to think of it, who can afford gas?
* I know the difference between a fine kilo of pure Columbian yay, and a shopping bag full of icing sugar, so don’t try and double cross me like my first four wives.
* Everyone hates mimes… but not me. I respect someone who knows when to shut the fuck up. If we all did that, there’d be less war. Then again, if there was less war, Hollywood would start making more movies about teens trying to lose their virginity before college. I lost mine in grade 8 to my parent’s chubby Greek cleaning lady… how come no one makes a movie about that?
* My agent thinks I’m an asshole. Partially because I never pay her, partially because I keep getting her name wrong. I’m bad with names. If we sleep together, and I wake up and call you Betty, Sally, or Billy-Jo, don’t be offended. I have the same problem with phone numbers, so if you wonder why I don’t call… it’s cause some nice family in the ‘burbs is getting non-stop booty calls at 2am in your place.
* Don’t worry about that though, as I never sleep with the same girl twice. You wouldn’t ask DaVinci to paint another copy of the Mona Lisa, would you?
* I get mistaken for Tom Cruise almost everywhere I go. Not Tom Cruise the actor, Tom Cruise the assistant pottery teacher at Langley Highschool (go RiverRats!)
Now, since guys online dating all seem to like to tell YOU what YOU should be like (don’t you love that?), I’ll do the same.
* Don’t be blonde. I’m bored of blondes in this town (like any of you are really blonde anyway… pfft… Grow some self-confidence and go back to your natural colour.) Sure blondes have more fun… but brunettes try harder, and I respect a woman who puts some effort in, and blondes just have it too easy.
* I don’t care where you live. I have a car. I like driving. Have some ice cream and pie waiting for me and I’ll drive to Brossard (well… it’d have to be homemade pie if you live in Brossard.)
* I’d prefer if you ARE married or have a boyfriend…. Look… I’m not going to sit around picking out new cutlery from a catalogue with you, or help you walk your tiny little dog. You should have a steady boyfriend or husband for that. I’m like a roller coaster, fun to ride by yourself (or preferably with your best friend!)… but terrible for trying to have a dinner party on!
Well… that’s it for me.
Smell ya later…
PS. If I’ve piqued your curiosity, you should know that it’s Ok for you to email me. I won’t tell your friends, family, husbands, or boyfriends that you’ve been browsing Craigslist’s personals… and don’t you want to know if I just talk the talk, or walk the walk?
PPS. Please include a photo of yourself, preferably in a dress, but failing that, underwear. And failing that, track pants and a dirty t-shirt always work.
PPPS, Both my parole officer and my therapist have given me the thumbs up to date since “the bank incident”.