The first time I jerked off I thought I had invented it. No joke. I was convinced I had created what was going to be the most insanely popular thing ever. I didn’t really have any plan of promoting it, but I was instantly convinced that it would make me famous. Everywhere I’d go people would point and say “That’s him. That’s Gus. He’s the reason why your Mother and I aren’t divorced yet.” And I’d smile and wave and shake their hands. I’d get personal calls from world leaders and have parades thrown in my honor. I’d get elected President on the everyone-cool-off-and-meet-back-here-in-a-half-an-hour platform. I’d accept the nobel peace prize and go to sleep each night knowing that, because of me, the world at large was a little more relaxed.
And maybe, now, a little hungry.